By the time I turned 30, I had “lost” all my best people – my mother, grandmother, grandfather, and favorite aunt, who was like a second mom to me. As an only child, these losses hit even harder because they were some of my closest connections, the people who shaped my world. Each loss was a deep sadness, but it was my mom’s passing that truly changed everything. When my grandfather passed away when I was 7, I was too young to fully grasp the finality of it. The deaths of my aunt at 19 and my grandmother at 22 were heartbreaking, but they didn’t shake my world in the same way.
When I lost my mom at 29, though, it was different. As her only child, I felt her absence more intensely; it wasn’t just a loss; it was a turning point that altered the course of my life completely.
For years, I lived with the weight of that loss, wondering how to move forward when the person who had always been my anchor was no longer there. But as time passed, I began to see that the space she left behind, while never truly filled, allowed room for new and equally special people to enter my life.
In this article, I want to share what I’ve learned about finding gratitude in loss, even when that loss feels insurmountable. Whether you’ve lost a loved one, a relationship, or something else meaningful, I hope this perspective can help you navigate your own journey and find peace in the process.
Understanding Loss
What is Loss?
Loss, in its simplest form, is the experience of being without something or someone that once played a significant role in your life. It’s the absence we feel when something or someone we cherish is no longer present, creating a void that can feel overwhelming. This void isn’t just physical; it can permeate our thoughts, emotions, and even our sense of identity.
The Depth of Absence
At its core, loss reminds us how intertwined we are with the people and things that shape our lives. When they’re no longer there, it’s natural to feel a sense of disorientation, as if a part of ourselves has gone missing, too. This feeling of “without” can manifest in different ways – sometimes as an aching emptiness, other times as a subtle, persistent longing. For some, it’s a sudden, sharp pain; for others, it’s a quiet, lingering sadness that ebbs and flows over time.
The Emotional Spectrum of Grief
The emotions that come with loss are as varied as the experiences of those who feel them. Sadness is often the most immediate and recognizable emotion, but loss can also stir up anger, confusion, and even guilt. Anger might arise from the unfairness of it all – Why did this happen? Why now? Why them? Confusion can stem from the struggle to make sense of the loss, to find meaning in something that feels so senseless. Guilt might surface, especially if there were unresolved issues or words left unsaid.
Grief: A Nonlinear Journey
I know from my own experience that grief can be a tumultuous journey. I found myself all over the place emotionally, often feeling like I was caught in a storm with absolutely no direction. When I read about the Kübler-Ross model’s five stages of grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance – I expected to move through them in a linear fashion. But I discovered that these stages aren’t as neat and orderly as the model suggests. Instead, grief can feel like a continuous and vicious cycle, where you might revisit the same stages multiple times or experience several at once.
No “Right” Way to Grieve
It’s important to understand that these emotions are all natural responses to loss. There’s no “right” way to grieve and no timeline that dictates how or when we should feel certain emotions. The key is to allow ourselves to fully experience these feelings without judgment. Too often, we try to rush through grief, to push away the uncomfortable emotions in an attempt to return to normalcy. But grief isn’t something to be “fixed” or avoided; it’s a process that needs to be felt and acknowledged.
Making Space for Healing
By permitting ourselves to feel the full range of emotions that come with loss, we create space for healing. Through this process of honoring our grief, we can eventually find peace and, perhaps, even gratitude for our experiences. Understanding loss as a complex, multifaceted experience is the first step in navigating the journey toward healing.
The Red Light – Acknowledge the Sadness
When navigating the journey through grief, it can be helpful to think of it in terms of a traffic light: Red for stopping to acknowledge your feelings, Yellow for cautiously shifting your perspective, and Green for moving forward when you’re ready. Each stage is essential, and the Red Light – acknowledging the sadness – is where it all begins.
In the aftermath of loss, there’s often a strong impulse to push past the pain, to find a way to move forward as quickly as possible. We gotta get back to work or stay busy doing something, right? Well, not so fast. We live in a world that frequently emphasizes resilience and the importance of “getting over” things. However, there’s no bypassing the sadness when it comes to grief. It’s crucial to allow ourselves to feel the full weight of our loss because it’s through this process that genuine healing begins.
Honoring the Pain
Acknowledging the sadness of loss is a vital part of the grieving process. Sadness isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a natural response to losing something or someone meaningful. By allowing yourself to feel this sadness, you honor the value of what was lost and recognize its impact on your life.
Loss isn’t limited to death – it can also come from the end of significant relationships. For me, the loss of my first relationship, which ended in domestic violence, was compounded by my mom’s passing. I avoided the pain through destructive behaviors, but in time I learned that true healing required me to sit with the sadness and honor it.
Honoring your pain means expressing it in ways that feel right to you – whether through tears, writing, or quiet reflection. This sadness reflects the love and significance of what’s been lost, and by acknowledging it, you also acknowledge the importance of that connection.
No Need to Rush
Grief has its own timeline, and it’s different for everyone. Some days, you might feel like you’re making progress, only to find yourself back in the depths of sadness the next. This ebb and flow is a normal part of the grieving process. There’s no need to rush through it or feel pressured to “get over” your loss by a certain tim
It’s important to give yourself the grace and patience to grieve in your own way, at your own pace. Society often places expectations on how long we should grieve or how we should express our sorrow, but the truth is that grief is a deeply personal experience. It doesn’t follow a set path or adhere to a specific timeline. The only thing that matters is that you allow yourself the space to feel and process your emotions as they come.
Taking your time with this step isn’t about wallowing in sadness; it’s about giving yourself the room to heal fully. When you acknowledge your sadness and allow yourself to experience it without judgment, you’re laying the foundation for genuine healing. You’re giving yourself the chance to process your loss in a way that honors both your pain and the significance of what you’ve lost.
The Yellow Light – Shifting Perspective
If acknowledging the sadness is the first step toward healing, then shifting your perspective is where the growth truly begins. This doesn’t mean minimizing your loss or pretending it didn’t happen. Instead, it’s about understanding that loss is part of life’s bigger picture – a part that, while painful, can also lead to new insights, growth, and even new beginnings.
Seeing Loss as Part of Life’s Movement
Life is full of changes, and loss is one of the most difficult changes we face. It’s an inevitable part of life’s ups and downs – people and things come into our lives, and eventually, they leave. This isn’t to say that their departure is easy or that we should accept it without emotion. Instead, it’s about recognizing that loss is a natural part of the human experience.
Shifting your perspective means seeing loss not just as an end but as a transition. It’s a reminder that life is always moving and changing and that with every ending, there’s the potential for a new beginning.
This shift in perspective doesn’t happen overnight.
It takes time, reflection, and a willingness to see beyond the pain. But when you’re ready, it can open up new ways of understanding your loss and its place in your life.
Finding Lessons in Loss
Loss often brings valuable lessons, even if they’re not immediately visible. Losing a loved one might teach you to cherish time with those still in your life, foster empathy for others grieving, or inspire you to live more fully in the present.
In my case, the end of my first relationship, though painful, revealed my strength and resilience. It helped me understand my boundaries, values, and capacity for healing. Similarly, after my mom’s passing, I found strength I didn’t know I had, opened myself to new connections, and grew more mindful of life’s impermanence.
These lessons aren’t always clear when pain is fresh, but by gently exploring them, you may discover that loss, while difficult, can be a catalyst for growth and change.
The Green Light – Embracing Gratitude
After acknowledging the sadness and slowly shifting your perspective, the final step in this journey is to embrace gratitude. This is often the most transformative and healing part of the process. Embracing loss doesn’t mean you’re happy about it or that the pain has vanished; instead, it’s about finding a sense of peace and even gratitude within the experience of loss. It’s about recognizing that, despite the pain, something valuable can be gained from it.
Recognizing What Remains
When we lose someone or something significant, it’s easy to focus on the void left behind. But in doing so, we might overlook what remains. The memories, the love, and the ways those relationships or experiences have shaped us are still with us. They don’t disappear just because the physical presence is gone.
Take a moment to reflect on the enduring aspects of your relationship with what or who you’ve lost. What lessons did they teach you? How did they shape the person you’ve become? These are the gifts that loss can bring – the parts of those relationships or experiences that continue to live within you.
For example, after my mom passed on, I found that the values she instilled in me, the love she showed, and the memories we shared became even more significant. I see her smile when mothers and daughters enjoy spending time together or when a child is comforted by their mother’s touch. I hear her voice in the encouragement I offer others, echoing how she always knew just what to say to lift my spirits. These moments remind me that, even though she’s no longer physically here, she’s still very much a part of my life.
These things didn’t leave when she did; they became a part of my foundation, guiding me through the rest of my life. Recognizing what remains can be a powerful way to shift from feeling only the loss to also appreciating the lasting impact that person or experience has had on your life.
Transforming Loss into Gratitude
Cultivating gratitude after a loss is gradual but can bring profound healing. Start by acknowledging the experiences you shared with your loved one or the lessons you learned from the situation. What did you gain from knowing them or going through that experience? How did it contribute to your personal growth?
One way to practice this is through reflection or journaling. Write down the things you’re grateful for – both the obvious and the subtle. It could be a specific memory, a quality you admired in them, or a lesson you learned through loss itself. Over time, you might find that these reflections help you transform your grief into a deeper appreciation for what it was and how it continues to shape who you are.
Living with Open Hearts
Finally, embracing gratitude in loss invites us to live with more open hearts. Understanding that life is impermanent – that each goodbye is part of a larger, ongoing journey – can help us appreciate the present moment more fully. It reminds us to cherish the relationships and experiences we have now, knowing that they, too, are precious and fleeting.
Living with an open heart means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to love deeply, and to accept that with love often comes loss. It’s a willingness to engage with life fully, knowing that it will bring both joy and sorrow, connection and separation. But in that openness, we find a richness to life that makes every experience and relationship all the more valuable.
By embracing gratitude, we honor those we’ve lost, the lessons we’ve learned, and the growth we’ve experienced. We learn to hold space for the pain of loss and the beauty of what remains, understanding that both are integral parts of the human experience. In this way, embracing loss doesn’t close a chapter; it opens us up to a deeper, more meaningful journey.
Addressing Those Who Struggle
As comforting as it might be to embrace gratitude in the face of loss, I know that this might feel like an impossible task for some. The pain may still be too raw, the grief too overwhelming, to even consider the idea of finding peace or gratitude. If this is where you are right now, I want you to know it’s okay.
For Those Who Can’t See the Light Yet
If you’re finding it difficult to shift your perspective or to see any light in the darkness, that’s completely understandable. Grief doesn’t follow a set path and cannot be rushed. The journey toward gratitude is deeply personal and unique to each of us. Just because someone else might have found their way through doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be there yet.
It’s important to honor where you are in your journey. If all you can do right now is get through the day, that’s enough. Embracing gratitude might feel far off, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the most important thing we can do is allow ourselves to feel what we’re feeling without pressure to move forward before we’re ready.
A Final Thought
Grief is a journey, one that takes us through a range of emotions and experiences. Like the traffic light metaphor, moving through grief involves stopping to acknowledge the sadness (Red Light), cautiously shifting our perspective (Yellow Light), and, when we’re ready, embracing gratitude (Green Light). Each stage is vital, and each is a step toward healing.
Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to navigate this journey. It’s deeply personal, and it unfolds at its own pace. Whether you’re just beginning to acknowledge your sadness or slowly finding your way to gratitude, know that your path is valid and your feelings are important.
As you continue this journey, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Healing is not about rushing to the finish line but about embracing each moment as it comes. Trust and believe that with time, patience, and compassion, you will find your way through.
“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” — Aesop
Even in the face of loss, there’s something to be found in what remains. May you discover the strength to honor your grief, the courage to shift your perspective, and the grace to embrace the gifts that loss, paradoxically, leaves behind.
Thanks for reading 🙂